- An employee wants to quit. The HR convinces him to stay back. He agrees to her, fully meaning it. And he puts down his papers after 2 days.
- A lady is super excited about a product. The sales person is very convinced she is going to buy the product. And so is she. The next day she dodges his phone.
- A father and a son are having a very intellectual conversation. The father agrees not to treat the son in a specific way. The son agrees to spend x amount of hours studying. And both of them fail to keep up their commitments.
These, my friends, are examples of illusions of victory!
This is a common behavior in ineffective communication. I have known of trainers who make their participants extremely happy. And the participants go back home and everything fades away. So-called motivational gurus touch your heart and then everything dies down. The keyword here is sustained results.
Common examples of what may be illusive victory
I am always on the lookout for how people measure success, be it in my training program, in my business, or any individual I deal with. And here are some of the languages that I hear from people, that alerts me to the fact that these people may not have a clue of what the results are going to be over time!
1. I did a fantastic session, everyone was happy.
2. She said she is going to pay.
3. He was in a Deep Trance.
4. She went back home happy.
5. He said he understands our concerns.
6. They have committed to do this.
So the above statements are not bad, but they only focus on part of what is needed. The response at any given moment. What I am pointing out in this article is that, people can mean something genuinely in any given situation and yet not keep up to it. And you have to measure beyond immediate response.
Why does this happen – Introduction to ‘Mental States’?
This is how people respond most times, when something like this happens to them. They go
1. He is a liar
2. She betrayed me
3. They don’t mean a word they say
I would like to offer you another perspective today. What if, the person in question is doing their best but lacks the choice.
Consider a situation when you were very angry and you made a foolish decision. You did something that you would never do. Has that ever happened to you or to someone you know? And after a couple of minutes this person regrets that decision? What is going on?
In NLP we call this the State of Mind. And what I am proposing is that, the decisions you make, the memories you remember, and the promises you honor in one state of mind may be different from the decisions you make, the memories you remember, and the promises you honor in another state of mind. I had this young girl tell me, “I can never say ‘no’.” I said, “You are lying. You can say ‘no’.” She said, “‘NO’, I can never say ‘NO’.” This is a classic example of how she is behaviorally demonstrating to me that she can do what she claims she can’t do. What she actually means is that – there are some situations (and associated states of mind) where she cannot say ‘no’. Most times when this happens, I use the NLP technique of anchoring to take the resources in this state of mind and attach it to another state where she does not have the required choice.
So, a lot of this illusive victory happens because people don’t recognize that when the state of mind changes, decisions change. Consider another example of smoking. The person who wants to quit at that moment has decided with full determination they are not going to smoke. And after a few moments, the urge develops; they are in a different mind state. And now, the only thing that matters is having a cigarette.
I hope I have given you enough illustrations to point out that just because there is an agreement in an ‘excited’ state does not mean the agreement will carry through. People can understand all they have to do. But doing it is not based on understanding, but rather the right emotions firing up at the right time.
So, I conclude that most times when people say they are going to do something, there is a possibility that they actually mean it. But they are not so much in control of themselves, that with passing time and change of states, they go back to the old behavior or pattern.
Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP)
This is where I want to introduce you to Neuro Linguistic Programming. One of the most interesting things you can do with NLP is program the neurology to trigger specific emotions ahead of time. Consider this, you are a teacher and you are talking to this student about Maths. And then you do something in your conversation and make him think of Maths and want it when you are not around him. That is programming. And that is the only justification for teaching such a powerful and manipulative tool to everyone.
What if, you are selling a car to someone. And in your conversation you sow seeds, so that every time they think of buying a car they think of you. And every time they want to go to work, they think of buying a car. And what if, you can make the intensity double every day, so that it grows with time and does not decrease. That is what I call Programming.
Programming at least has the following elements:
1. The individual blocks that can add up to make a sequence. Consider the pieces of lego, you can use them to build some meaningful blocks.
2. The sequencing of the blocks. Just having the lego pieces is not good enough; you have to build with it.
3. Setting it up in motion. Consider a security alarm. As soon as it detects moments, it fires the alarm. Programming involves setting up triggers that evoke a chain of responses automatically. And these chain of responses have to be the sequence set up in Step 2.
4. Testing – This is critical with any kind of programming, As with the security alarm example, you need to reproduce the condition where you want the alarm to go. In the same way, when you are programming someone you have to recreate in their mind the reality where you want them to have a new response.
5. Generalization – You need to make sure that the sequence fires in other similar sequences as well. And not just for the one trigger that you tested. For example, if a child touches fire, she knows not to touch fire of any size, any kind. You don’t have to repeat that learning because the neurology can generalize.
What NLP claims and one that I fully endorse based on experience is that all of the above can be done Conversationally and with Stealth. But only by very few individuals who have actually mastered the skill. Unfortunately, it is not easy to find people like that.
Consider the following examples:
Whenever someone requests me to teach them programming privately, I always ask them to read – How To Ask Questions The Smart Way – and most of them find it boring. The book is written by the Geek community. It is not very engaging or funny. But that is not the purpose of the book. I even have some of the people who read it comment – ‘I don’t like the book’. And I respond saying, ‘I don’t care. It ensures that you start with the right attitude. And if you want me to train you privately in computer programming, I want you to stick to the principles in that book.’ This is classic illustration of what a person likes at that moment may not be a measure of how useful something is.
I had a client bring in his son. And I rebuked the son and he ‘seemed’ to hate me with every fiber of his soul. Now, to an onlooker, it may appear like, I lost the battle. And the son is going to go back without any change. His father even said, “I have heard so much about you. Can you not do something more for my son?” I reassured the father, telling him what has to be done is done and that he will be a different person the following week. And after a few months he is going to be much much better. After 3 months, the father and the son come back, thanking me for they both believed that the one moment of interaction changes his life. And going forward I did other things to help the son achieve the things he wanted.
The challenge I am pointing out above is that unless someone is keeping track of the response of an interaction over time, it is very difficult to measure the effectiveness of an individual’s skill of conversational programming. In earlier days, when I practiced in a clinic, I would have finished my work, including testing and generalization and yet put a person in trance just to convince them and, more importantly the companions, that I actually did something. If you are trained on NLP, I urge you to do the same. Target generative changes in your workplace, relationships – use the full force of Neuro Linguistic programming to set things on autopilot. May the world work for you in the direction you want to grow together as you sleep. This in my opinion is a way superior alternative to being content with illusive victories. And I never said, training yourself to get these skills is going to be easy. I only like to highlight that it is possible. At, uPwithNLP, we don’t just program you with powerful circuits. We program you to program yourself further. That is the secret recipe of Success on AutoPilot. To grow Blissfully with time together with delight. And I know from experience and countless stories that this works more than my expectation too.
Sometimes, you can do this by other means as well. As long as you are measuring the circuits required in place for generative growth, there are plenty of creative ways you can explore. For some people who have had the challenge of hand coordination, we throw a ball at them, and in their response to catch, they involuntarily get better. The individual who is not conscious about programming will immediately alert the concerned person of this development and lose the advantage we have just gained. What we rather prefer is to continue the game until the circuits are strong enough for the person to coordinate the hand moments in other situations as well.
And if you are an alumni of SOE and you are wondering what is the fastest way to accelerate everything even further, the answer is NLP Modelling. Come back to the source, this is the purpose of unlimited complimentary revisits. Each time, the same content has a different meaning and purpose. I have had batches with people who are attending for the 8th time (including super masters) and some who are doing it the first time, some the 3rd and 4th time, and each time, for each person, it still feels like the 6 days are targeted at them. Using Metaphoric Communication along with analogue marking, you can communicate a meaning to the conscious and another layer of direction to the unconscious. And at the same time, mean 10 different things in the same communication in a way that each person benefits based on their level of training in NLP as well as their experiences in life. I had one of my sales team member come to me in the Chennai batch and comment, “I think you are giving me too much attention and ignoring the rest.” I agreed with her that I am giving her too much attention and also commented, that is how everyone else feels as well! It appears to everyone that I am talking only to them.
The other reason is this. Consider a family with grandparents, many children, and their grandchildren in the same house. The children growing in that environment have the opportunity to (unconsciously) assimilate the dynamics between the father and the grandfather and between the mother and the grandfather, and compare the difference in that interaction. And it is from this difference the child understands the role of consequences in communication and develop very critical learning that happens in childhood. A child who is denied access to such interaction finds alternatives in schools and other communities. A large part of unconscious learning happens from community dynamics where there are individuals in various levels of expertise of the same skill. Traditionally, when arts like yoga or singing were taught, it was done in a group. This was for a purpose. The larger the group the larger the unconscious learning. Because you are modelling from a variety of people. You are learning from:
1. Peers who are not able to catch up as much as you are. You are unconsciously learning behaviors that you must avoid that can come in the way of learning certain things.
2. Peers who are learning certain things with more depth. In this case you will unconsciously model the differences (assuming a nurturing and non-judgemental environment is set).
3. Peers who couldn’t catch up to your level of depth earlier and eventually they have. You unconsciously learn the circuits that shifted in them that allowed them to catch up quickly.
4. Peers who are of the same background as you and how they perceive the possibilities of all these.
5. Peers who are of different background from you and how these skills can be used polycontextually.
I am not claiming that any of the above happens consciously or with a form of verbal communication. These are subtle learning that is needed and most times outside conscious awareness. I have witnessed children who are considered tone deaf, who couldn’t learn from the master directly, catch the positioning of notes perfectly well, when there are grouped together to sing along with other children who can sing and are in various levels of competency. If you ask the child verbally that what enabled them to sing now on notes, they hardly have an answer. Your neurology learns at various levels. And unconscious learning is a very important part of it. The more the descriptions of the same phenomenon, the faster it can learn. Learning in a batch facilitates for that more easily.
The above list is only indicate and far from an exhaustive list of the possibilities when learning from a group. There is more magic and social learning dynamics that go on in a batch that sustains over time, more than what is consciously observed. And our purpose in uPwithNLP is not only to teach NLP using NLP with proper demonstrations and practical applications but also to encourage unconscious assimilation with full awareness of the consequences from peers, Harini, and me. Because in my opinion this is the fastest way to Master NLP.
People sometimes show me Anthony’s video and ask me, “How does he manage to create so much energy with so many people?” And I always tell them, “The thousands of people gathered together is not an hindrance to the learning and joy but rather a strength. It is a necessity for the magic that happens at that moment and not a challenge.”
So, genuinely, I do not know a better way to accelerate this learning for you, other than to invite you back again. And as you plan to do so, I hope these writing and the podcasts (to be released soon) will provide you with the resources necessary to fully enjoy what you already have as well as to grow successfully.
Some tips of Conversational Programming from Chess
Following are some lessons I learned as a Chess player that I use in my application of Neuro Linguistic Programming that you may find useful in your application of this powerful tool for Generative Programming:
1. Go for the kill
In a chess game, the amateurs look out for who has the highest valued pieces in the board. The expert knows the value of positional advantage because his or her focus is on the final victory. And not the temporary advantage. One of my favorite player is Bobby Fischer. When you look at some of his games, it appears like he is loosing the game, even for the grand masters, but Fischer is going for the kill and he already knows how it is going to turn out.
2. Measuring progressively
The other interesting thing about Chess is that victory can come in small measurable stages. Chess most times when played between two professional players is about inching your way to success. To an untrained player everything may look the same, not so with the master. The difference is this. The amateur is measuring the current position only, whereas the master is measuring the direction, what is this leading to and much more.
3. Always have the end in mind
The amateurs learn what are called ‘openings’, which is when someone is memorizing the best first set of moves to play. The grand masters master what is called ‘the end game’. What is the end game? The end game is how you exploit a small positional advantage when you have very few pieces in the board and everything seems equal in a victory. So, the experts have like hundreds of different end positions or structures that look equal but are not. And the way professionals play the game is by directing every move to lead to one of these positions or structures, which means every move you make from the beginning is with the possible end in mind.
4. Proper practice makes a man perfect
It is well known in the industry that playing chess does not necessarily make you a better player. Somehow chess players understood that practice is not enough. It takes PROPER practice to help you perfect the game.
I am curious to know how you are successfully using your skills of conversational programming to overcome possible illusions of victory! In the meantime keep sharing!